Some marriages require more togetherness; others, more independence. Each couple needs to have a sense of how these domains overlap. The trick is finding a balance of togetherness and self reliance that works for you.
Marriage partners can fill the gaps in one another's makeup
One of the great joys of marriage is the ability to pool your strengths and special gifts. So if one of you is physical and the other intellectual, you can help expand one another's horizons. However, if one spouse is painfully shy and relies on the other to do all the talking, you're bound to feel an imbalance.
A similar kind of imbalance can occur when partners assume rigid roles based on gender: the husband who refuses to help with chores like cooking or cleaning because those tasks are "a woman's work" or the wife who refuses to pick up a hammer or screwdriver because "that's the husband's job." For a marriage to succeed in the 21st century, spouses need to be flexible in their roles, and willing to work together at all sorts of tasks.
Strong marriages are collaborative efforts in which both partners are dedicated to improving — as individuals and as a couple. Each marriage partner brings a unique package of strengths and weaknesses to the table, and each has a separate timetable for growth. But, if one partner's development or contribution is way out of proportion to the other's, the imbalance can undermine the marriage.
The goal of marriage is for both partners to get exactly what they want
The notion that marriage is a way to achieve fulfillment is relatively new. For a long time, people married out of economic necessity and to have children. Now, many people think of it as a road to personal satisfaction.
Many complaints about marriage go something like this: "I am not happy with him anymore. I don't feel fulfilled." Such complaints are a result of overblown and misguided expectations.
You may see signs that this myth is interfering with a marriage. One is when a partner says, "If you loved me you would … (check the choice or choices that apply):
Spend more time with my family
Make love to me more often
Take the vacation that I want
Not criticize me so much
Do more household chores
The message here is, "You don't love me unless you do exactly what I want."
There is also a flip side to this myth that shows up when one partner demands that the other accept his love on faith — even when his words and actions convey the opposite message.
If, for example, your spouse complains because you forgot her birthday, it's not enough to say, "Don't you know I love you?" There is no justification for expecting our partners to forgive our thoughtlessness by simply declaring our love. What that amounts to is just another way of manipulating the situation so you can have things exactly as you please.
All of us have a right to want our needs fulfilled, but it's important to be realistic. Even in the best of marriages, a spouse can provide just so much fulfillment. The rest may have to come from children, from work, from the pursuit of various interests, or from within.
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