luvnrelationship

There are three distinct types or stages of "love":
1.Lust, or erotic passion
2.Attraction, or romantic passion
3.Attachment, or commitment
When all three of these happen with the same person, you have a very strong bond. Sometimes, however, the one we lust after isn't the one we're actually in love with.

Lust
When we're teenagers, just after puberty, estrogen and testosterone become active in our bodies for the first time and create the desire to experience "love." These desires, a.k.a. lust, play a big role both during puberty and throughout our lives. According to an article by Lisa Diamond, entitled "Love and Sexual Desire" (Current Directions in Psychological Science, vol 13 no. 3), lust and romantic love are two different things caused by different underlying substrates. Lust evolved for the purpose of sexual mating, while romantic love evolved because of the need for infant/child bonding. So even though we often experience lust for our romantic partner, sometimes we don't -- and that's okay. Or, maybe we do, but we also lust after someone else. According to Dr. Diamond, that's normal.

Sexologist John Money draws the line between love and lust in this way: "Love exists above the belt, lust below. Love is lyrical. Lust is lewd."

Pheromones, looks and our own learned predispositions for what we look for in a mate play an important role in whom we lust after, as well. Without lust, we might never find that special someone. But, while lust keeps us "looking around," it is our desire for romance that leads us to attraction.

Attraction
While the initial feelings may (or may not) come from lust, what happens next -- if the relationship is to progress -- is attraction. When attraction, or romantic passion, comes into play, we often lose our ability to think rationally -- at least when it comes to the object of our attraction. The old saying "love is blind" is really accurate in this stage. We are often oblivious to any flaws our partner might have. We idealize them and can't get them off our minds. This overwhelming preoccupation and drive is part of our biology. We'll go deeper into the chemicals involved in attraction in The Chemistry of Love.

In this stage, couples spend many hours getting to know each other. If this attraction remains strong and is felt by both of them, then they usually enter the third stage: attachment.

Attachment
The attachment, or commitment, stage is love for the duration. You've passed fantasy love and are entering into real love. This stage of love has to be strong enough to withstand many problems and distractions. Studies by University of Minnesota researcher Ellen Berscheid and others have shown that the more we idealize the one we love, the stronger the relationship during the attachment stage.
Psychologists at the University of Texas in Austin have come to the same conclusion. They found that idealization appears to keep people together and keep them happier in marriage. "Usually, this is a matter of one person putting a good spin on the partner, seeing the partner as more responsive than he or she really is," says Ted Huston, the study's lead investigator. "People who do that tend to stay in relationships longer than those who can't or don't."

Playing a key role in this stage are oxytocin, vasopressin and endorphins, which are released when having sex.

Luv n Marriage value for Teenager

2008-11-28T07:34:00.000-08:00

Luv n Marriage value for Teenager

Marriage is a hot topic.
In February 2002, President Bush asked Congress to earmark $300 million in the next welfare-reform law for states to develop programs that encourage two-parent married families.

But he may want to consult with the next generation to tie — or not tie — the knot before he puts the finishing touches on the nation's new marriage policy.

According to Changes in Teen Attitudes Toward Marriage, Cohabitation and Children, 1975 — 1995, from Rutgers University's, young adults today are not optimistic about the possibility of lifelong marriage.

"I Do," But Not "Till Death Do Us Part"
While the report found that 80 percent of high-school seniors expect to get married someday, only 61 percent believe they will stay married to the same person for life, compared to 65 percent in 1975.

Teens' growing disenchantment about lifelong marriage may stem from the fact they have personally seen few examples of happy marriages. In 1995, 32 percent agreed with the statement: "One sees so few good or happy marriages that one questions it as a way of life" — up from 26 percent in 1975. Those who disagreed or mostly disagreed with the statement fell to 42 percent from 53 percent.

It seems that every generation expands society's definition of acceptable lifestyle choices. Perhaps it's an outcome of the sexual revolution of the '60s; by 1995, some 59 percent of young adults believed that living together before marriage is a good way for a couple to find out if they are truly compatible.

Children: A High Priority
The majority of teens do consider having children and raising them a high priority, although 42 percent believe that couples who have children out of wedlock are "doing their own thing."

They are also tolerant of same-sex unions. A recent nationwide survey of 1,000 high-school seniors found 67 percent favor same-sex marriage and gay adoption. The survey was conducted by Zogby International.

The current cultural climate toward love and marriage is shifting.

The New Dating Rules

2008-11-28T03:47:00.000-08:00

Dating Do's and Don't's The problem with the dating game is that there are dating rules to follow and most of them we forget as we grow older. You see, when we are young our fellow friends at school and college reinforce the way things should be done when dealing with potential dates. Yes you should wear that, no you never say that, yes you should do this, but no you never do that. Then we grow up. For a time we are completely aware of the rules of dating and we practice those rules every time we meet someone. But then we meet someone perhaps, fall in love and have a relationship. Little by little the things we learned over our formative years when dealing with the fairer sex are lost and are in fact unlearned.

Then one day we are unwillingly thrust back onto the dating scene only to find that we start behaving like 12 year olds. We call our dates too often, we are constantly available, we wear the wrong clothes, laugh at bad jokes like a fool, date the wrong people and generally get it all badly wrong. Then we get hurt or taken for a ride. Of course there will be some of you reading this that are the very epitome of dating sophistication, but the truth is, when you lose your heart you also lose your head. If you are going to date well then give these key do's and don'ts of dating some serious consideration. Dating rules are very important if you want to win and keep your perfect match.

Dating Rules - Do's

1. Do try to look your best and be punctual on dates

2. Do have fun when dating. I know the subject of Mr. or Miss Right is serious but dating is fun too so keep it that way.

3. Do flatter and compliment your date on the way they look and the things they wear. People tend to go to a lot of effort on a date (hopefully) so being told that you are looking good is a nice thing to hear.

4. Be interested and interesting. As the Pet Shop Boys once said, I was never bored because I was never being boring" or something similar. You get my drift.

5. Do tell someone if you are not interested in dating them again. Being lied to and hopes kept alive is an evil and malicious act (yes I mean it that strongly). If you don't want to see someone again then let them know that in the nicest possible way you can.

6. Do date the type of people you like and are attracted to, whatever your friends may say. Approval by your peers doesn't prove a thing.

7. Do stay positive even when dates don't end well. It is most certainly true that you will date a few frogs before you find a prince. Along the way you will meet some nice people too and make some good contacts possibly.

8. Dating is a creative diversion, it requires concentration and energy so when you are dating keep some plans in the forefront of your mind and allow dating to take you to places you always wanted to visit within your own city.

9. Do make dating happen for yourself. People will not come and ring your bell from nowhere. Dating requires positive action so go out there and meet people, as many people as you can. Practice your chat and flirting on shop workers, bar attendants, anywhere and everywhere. Being nice to people is very sexy and great fun.

10. Do surround yourself with positive like minded people who are also dating. Think about the girls from Sex and the City and how they assist each other in dating and matters of romance. Negative friends who don't condone the dating scene or don't understand it will only help lower your own expectations and make you feel negative.

Dating Rules - Don't's

1. Never call someone more than once a day unless they reply. Desperation and instability are huge turn offs.

2. Don't date the people who you usually find dump you. You may be generally attracted to bastards but that will not get you anywhere except hurt.

3. For men, never ever be late for a date, even if you have a very good reason. Women should never be kept waiting and should never have to seat themselves - ever.

4. Never tell lies to your date or pretend anything about your life that isn't true. If this is your perfect match for God's sake do not allow it to be ruined by some silly lie told early on.

5. Never be too available. Being available every night of the week and at the end of every whimsical phone call or possible rendezvous means you are making yourself uninteresting and a possible doormat. Be busy, be unavailable generally and be interesting.

6. Don't give away too much about yourself at the start. People love enigma and mystery. Revealing to your new date your inner most secrets on date number two will quickly ruin everything. A small bit at a time people.

7. Never check other people out when you are with your date. You may think you are subtle , your date will be heading for the door. Have the courtesy of concentrating solely on your date when you are with them.

8. Don't be rude or get drunk on a date. Courtesy and manners will get you everywhere.

9. Don't ignore your personal safety when dating. Have a cellular phone and keep it charged, tell your friends where you are going and be safe. Date at first in well known public places and never ever be pushed into anything you are not happy with.

10. Don't give out personal information like home phone numbers and addresses on a first date. Keep them until you are sure of your date and the future possibilities.

11. Don't have sex on a first date if you ever want to see your new date again. If you like them and are interested in them, sex on a first date will usually ruin everything. Its too much too soon and is not the way of romance. Believe me I am 100% certain on this.

12. Never date a married person. They will not leave their husbands or wives for you (except exceptionally rarely). Married dating is the sure fire way to misery, lies, deceit, lack of self respect and loss of romance. If you are married, separate first. If you are single, don't be a shoulder to cry on, you deserve far better.

2008-11-28T03:02:00.000-08:00

"To a woman the first kiss is just the end of the beginning; to a man it's the beginning of the end." —Helen Rowland
Try to imagine that your loved one has become romantically interested in someone else. And then try to envision which scenario would bother you more: (a) learning that your partner has fallen in love with that person or (b) discovering that your partner has had meaningless sex with that person. Obviously, both situations are painful to think about, but chances are one of these bothers you more than the other. And just as likely, your gender has a lot to do with which one causes you the most anguish.

Both men and women experience jealousy and according to David Buss, Ph.D., professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Texas, this is both healthy and necessary to the fitness of a faithful relationship. In The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As Love and Sex," Buss describes his survey of women and men in the United States, the Netherlands, Germany, Japan, Korea and Zimbabwe. The majority of women interviewed were troubled more about a partner's emotional infidelity, while the men were most upset about sexual transgressions.

The differing grounds for jealousy between men and women reveal highly adaptive responses for the human species. Since fertilization takes place inside the female body, it is difficult to determine paternity with any real certainty. The ancestral man was therefore unable to know whether he was, in fact, the real father of his children.

"Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe"
Female sexual infidelity jeopardized the opportunity for a man to continue his gene pool and also placed him in the unfortunate situation of raising a rival's children. Women do not share this problem, since they know that they are the biological mothers of their children. One of the African cultures that Buss studies uses the phrase, "Mama's baby, Papa's maybe."

But our ancestral mothers had other problems. Their challenge was to continue to attract their partner so that he would stay and help to raise and protect the children. As painful as a sexual transgression might be, what women have always wanted to know is, "Do you love her?" If a man forms a strong emotional attachment to another woman, he is at risk for abandoning the relationship and his children. A meaningless one-night stand does not make him want to leave his family.

Jealously Is the Root of…
Human jealousy has roots in our reproductive past and has probably endured because it serves its ultimate purpose, to help ward off potential rivals. While men and women may get jealous about different things, our jealous behavior is often similar — evil glares, threatening comments, and sometimes even violent and dangerous actions against potential rivals.

Buss writes, "Jealousy is not a sign of immaturity, but rather a supremely important passion that helped our ancestors, and most likely continues to help us today, to cope with a host of real reproductive threats. It drives us to keep partners from straying with tactics such as escalating vigilance or showering a partner with affection. And it communicates commitment to a partner who may be wavering, serving an important purpose in the maintenance of love."

Infidelity1

2008-11-28T02:57:00.001-08:00

What the Unfaithful Needs to Do:

Be brutally honest about the affair. The unfaithful has to be able to talk about the affair as often and in as much depth and detail as the partner desires. Women in particular, says Weiner, need to know why it happened. They feel that unless they uncover the root cause of the affair, it could happen again. The truth also facilitates healing by short-circuiting the imagination. What the betrayed imagines took place is usually much worse than what actually occurred. If talking about the affair is intensely uncomfortable, you may want to work with a family therapist or marriage counselor to get past initial minefields.

To find a therapist, contact The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, which represents more than 15,000 marriage and family therapists who have met the organizations training and education requirements. Their Therapist Locater service can help you gather information — education, professional licenses, health plan participation, achievements, etc. — on therapists in your area.

You should also ask your physicians, clergy or friends for recommendations.

Get self-reflective to figure out why you went outside of the marriage. If dissatisfaction with the marriage was the cause, you must bring it up with your partner so that the two of you can make changes. Addressing the vulnerabilities in the relationship that contributed to the affair is critical to preventing a reoccurrence.
Express remorse and act trustworthy. You must be sincerely remorseful about the pain you caused your partner and commit over and over again to being faithful, especially early on when mistrust is rampant. Show you mean what you say by respecting your partner's need for reassurance. For instance, you may be asked to account for the time you two are apart because of the lack of trust. "It will feel overwhelming, but it is not forever," notes Weiner.

What the Betrayed Needs to Do:

Demand whatever it will take for you to heal. Granted, the unfaithful has to do the lion's share of the work to heal the marriage, confirms Weiner, but the betrayed needs to express what must be done to regain his or her trust.
Spend time together that does not revolve around the affair. "It's absolutely critical to connect again as friends and lovers; to enjoy one another's company," says Weiner. Go for walks, to restaurants and concerts — whatever it is that brings you two together.
Make the choice to forgive. An infidelity is never forgotten. The memory cannot be erased, but the act can be forgiven and gradually fade into the background of a strong marriage. It is up to the betrayed to forgive — the last step in healing. "You don't forgive for the sake of the other person," says Weiner, "but to lighten your own life" and set the stage for a renewed intimacy and connection.

Salvaging a marriage after an affair takes extraordinary commitment and effort. But therapists report that marriages rocked by infidelity frequently emerge stronger than they were before because at the end of the day, the near-fatal disaster motivates the couple to assume shared responsibility for each other's happiness.

Infidelity

2008-11-28T02:45:00.001-08:00

Tune into body language
Is your spouse making direct eye contact or avoiding your gaze? In general, a person who looks you directly in the eye is assumed to be forthright and truthful. On the other hand, a person who averts his eyes may not want you to know what he's thinking.

You can glean similar information by observing the way your partner's body reacts when you ask him a question. Is his body position relaxed and open, or tense and withdrawn?

In general, a person who maintains a relaxed, open bearing when you ask a direct question tends to be forthright and truthful. On the other hand, a person whose body suddenly becomes rigid may be concealing something.

Look for signs of nervousness or tension
If you notice that your spouse is anxious in the course of conversation, note this as a possible clue that some thought or feeling is not being verbally expressed. Uncharacteristic silence or talkativeness may be another sign.

The rules of interpreting body language and other non-verbal clues are well-known to salespeople and others who are skilled in the art of persuasion. A good sales agent, for example, may be able to look you directly in the eye while telling a baldfaced lie. He or she may also be practiced in maintaining a calm demeanor and conjuring up sincere-sounding laughter at will.

On the other hand, the non-verbal communications of some scrupulously honest people may give the mistaken impression that they're trying to deceive you. That's why it's wise not to draw any firm conclusion from any single clue. Instead, incorporate each non-verbal clue into the total picture of what your partner is communicating.

Double-check the meaning of gestures
Every gesture is a communication of some kind. But when each spouse assigns different meanings to the same gesture, it can cause friction in the relationship.

For example, a wife may call her husband at work twice a day because she wants to feel connected. However, the husband can interpret this gesture in a very different way. He may feel that his partner is checking up on him or trying to smother him.

You can easily misinterpret the meaning of a particular signal. Avoid such mistakes by taking the following steps:

If you're at all unsure, ask your partner to explain her nonverbal communication.
After you identify the emotion that provoked the gesture, work at addressing it.

2008-11-27T23:42:00.000-08:00

You may have experienced one or two dating disasters where you wished you could have crawled under the table to hide for the next decade or so. Well, you can breathe a huge sigh of relief as soon as you master the perfect remedy for the following dating disasters. The first rule: No matter what the problem, 'fess up immediately. Your date will sense something is wrong and think the problem's her or him. And remember, no matter how bad it gets, really, is it the end of the world?
Disaster: Your pants (skirt, shirt, bra) split.
Solution: Tie your jacket or sweater around your waist; buy or borrow a jacket or sweater to tie around your waist. Borrow a safety pin from the waiter.

Disaster: You forgot your wallet or billfold.
Solution: Throw yourself on the mercy of either your date or the manager (if you're a regular there). If your date likes you, at least he or she will know there will be another date — one for which you pay in full.

Disaster: You pass wind.
Solution: Most importantly, avoid breaking out in a 15-minute nervous laughing jag. Apologize once and then (if possible) open a window.

Disaster: You run into an angry ex.
Solution: Remind yourself that you are not responsible for anyone's behavior but your own. Stay calm and let your ex be the only person in the room who makes a fool of him- or herself.

Disaster: Your car breaks down.
Solution: Presumably, you belong to an auto club so you won't have to flip through the yellow pages looking for a reputable tow. Best thing to do is make the best of it. Don't sink into a quicksand of self-blame. See if the tow truck can drop you off at the restaurant on the way, take a cab home, and deal with your dead car tomorrow. Remember: A little reconnaissance means you won't run out of gas or get a flat without a spare.

Don't sweat it
Sweating, when you're nervous or hot, is natural. Excessive sweating, called hyperhidrosis, can be problematic. It happens when your sympathetic nervous system is out of whack — working harder than it needs to in regulating your body temperature. Sweat appears on the palms of your hands, your face, feet, and torso, as well as your armpits.

If you sweat profusely (or even just a little), you can stop it several ways:

Antiperspirants: The active ingredient in most antiperspirants is aluminum zirconium trichlorohydrex (or tetra-chlorohydrex) GLY. Some people do apply antiperspirant to the soles of their feet or the palms of their hands, but most use them on their armpits. The purpose of an antiperspirant is to stop sweat from reaching the skin. A deodorant, on the other hand, is used to mask perspiration odors.
Powders: Brushed on the hands and feet, talc, cornstarch, and baking soda-based powders absorb perspiration as it reaches the surface of your skin.
Relaxation: Particularly before a big date, sweat may be more of an emotional response to stress than a physical problem with your armpits or hands or forehead. Take several deep breaths and try to chill out.
Surgery: In severe cases of sweating, surgery is possible to remove axillary sweat glands, or the sweat glands under the arms — but don't try this at home.

Lighten up
No matter what happens, the biggest thing to bear in mind is this: It's a date — just a date. Not brain surgery or the cure for cancer or the Bill of Rights or Macbeth. It's not serious drama with dire consequences. It's a date. So, while you're in the midst of it all, why not lighten up?

The punsters weren't kidding when they said, "Laughter is the best medicine." Several studies have found that jovial belly laughs not only improve circulation and work muscles all over the body, but they relieve stress much in the same way aerobic exercise does. Even in your darkest moments, laughter can instantly make things seem, and feel, much better. Tossing one-liners nonstop isn't the way to go, but looking on the bright side of a dim moment can mean the difference between a disaster date and one that's the beginning of a great relationship.

Asking a Potential Date for a Number1

2008-11-27T23:31:00.000-08:00

You're not sure if you want to get in touch, but you want to keep your options open
Hmm. There's no spark, but you don't want to limit your dating options. In a perfect world, you could actually say, "I'm not sure I want to call you, but, what the heck, give me your number just in case." Of course, a line like that isn't exactly flattering. You're probably better served by expressing an interest but giving yourself an out by saying something like this:
"Look, I'd really love to call you, but I'm … (pick one)

really busy at work
traveling a lot
getting out of a relationship
covered with herpes
feeling poorly (not poor, which means you're in the midst of pecuniary strangulation)
scheduled for surgery
about to be drafted
… so if it's okay, I'd like to take your number and call you in a month or so." (Of course, if you use the herpes line, don't expect them to be too enthusiastic.)

When you do this, you're not misleading anyone or setting them up to hang by the phone waiting for you to call. You're simply keeping your options open without doing so at someone else's expense.

If you're feeling really ambivalent about asking for a phone number, you can always offer yours, saying, "Why not take my number?" Then if the other person calls, you can go out on his or her nickel and enthusiasm. After all, all of us like to be courted.

You have no interest in the other person, but you feel it's expected of you to ask for a number
Thinking of asking for contact info just to be polite? Don't do it. If you're not interested, don't ask for the number. If you ask for a number, the assumption is that you intend to use it. Don't spread misery like peanut butter. If you have no intention of calling, just don't ask.

Men especially feel that not asking for a phone number is really rude, but not calling is even worse. If you can just confine yourself to "See you around" or "Nice seeing you again," you'll spare yourself and the other person some wear and tear.

Asking a Potential Date for a Number

2008-11-27T23:27:00.000-08:00

Perhaps some friends introduced you. Maybe you ran into one another on the street or at a party. Whatever the circumstances, you've met someone and you want to get a number: a phone number, a street address, an e-mail address, a business card, or something. You'll need that information if you want to get in touch if plans should change. (Yes, there's always the mutual friend route, but you're not in seventh grade any more — or are you? Plus, if you contact the other person directly, you get a lot more — and more reliable — information.) There are only a limited number of reasons why you might ask a person for a phone number:
You want to call the person.
You're not sure if you want to call the person but want the number just in case.
You know you don't want to call, but you don't want to appear rude.
The following sections give you tips for handling each of these scenarios.

You want to get in touch with the person
When you know you want to call, it's a great idea to ask for the phone number. One of the best ways to approach getting someone else's number is to demonstrate your good faith and to show that you're not Jack or Jacqueline the Ripper:

Smile, talk softly, and make eye contact.
Ask for the number in a friendly, non-threatening way. For example, instead of saying, "So, can I have your number?" try something like, "I'd really like to stay in touch. Is there a number where I can reach you?"

Giving out your phone number if you want to is certainly okay, but doing so puts you in the position of waiting for his call. (All this works in reverse for men, too, if it's the woman who asks for the number.) The best way to offset this position of passivity is to ask for his number as well. On the other hand, you can take his and not give yours. Of course, if you have no intention of calling him, don't ask for the number. It's just as nasty for you to ask for his number and not call as it is for him to ask for your number and then not call you.

Offer your own number. Offering your number is a great way to deflect suspicion by putting the proverbial ball in the other person's court. Offering rather than asking also allows you to be vulnerable first. You can win sensitivity points by saying, "Look, I know these days, a gorgeous woman like you has to be careful, so if you would prefer, I can give you a way to get in touch with me. I'd love to court you the old-fashioned way and call you, but I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable by asking you to give me your number if you're not ready."

2008-11-27T10:56:00.000-08:00

"You may conquer with the sword, but you are conquered by a kiss."
— Daniel Heinsius (1580-1655)
The legends and myths surrounding the kiss are many. Those most familiar may well be the ones in which an explanation has remained the most elusive. But no more!

Below you will find a few of the more common legends and myths; tales that have been spun and re-spun for centuries. Read on and enjoy!

Kissing the Blarney Stone
The Blarney Stone is a stone set in the wall of the Blarney Castle tower in the Irish Village of Blarney. The castle was built in 1446 by Cormac Laidhiv McCarthy (Lord of Muskerry) — its walls are 18 feet thick (necessary to thwart attacks by Cromwellians and William III's troops).

Kissing the stone is supposed to bring the kisser the "gift of gab." But it's hard to reach — it's between the main castle wall & the parapet and kissers have to lie on their backs, then bend over backward, holding iron bars for support. It looks dangerous and can be, if you fall. We suggest you stretch by touching your toes for at least 30 seconds before you make the attempt. That way your back muscles are prepared for the shock of the backward pull.

The origins of the Blarney Stone's magical properties aren't clear. One legend says that an old woman cast a spell on the stone to reward a king who had saved her from drowning. Kissing the stone while under the spell gave the king the ability to speak sweetly and convincingly.

Another legend tells that the stone was given to Cormac McCarthy by Robert the Bruce in 1314 thanking him for his support in the Battle of Bannockburn. In an argument over the general rule of Queen Elizabeth I, the queen told McCarthy that he was giving her "a lot of blarney". Thus the legend was born.

Kissing Under the Mistletoe
There are many beliefs surrounding this plant, which makes it one of the most intriguing of the kissing legends. In 18th century England it was believed the mistletoe could make or break a woman's marital prospects.

A mistletoe in England would be hanging in a doorway in the shape of a ball. It would be brightly decorated and otherwise enticing. A woman standing under such an irresistable ornament would just have to be kissed!

But this kiss would be unlike no other, because as legend has it, it could lead to a deep romance (or at least a long-term relationship). However, if for some reason no one kisses the woman under the mistletoe, she would not be free to marry for at least a year!

The origin of the belief that the mistletoe had magical powers, began in pre-Christian Europe. It was said to have the power to ward off theft from fairies, unlock the secrets of dreams and to promote fertility.

In one particular legend, the mistletoe was the sacred plant of Frigga, the goddess of love and the god Balder's mother. Balder had a dream that he died, which disturbed Frigga since all life on Earth would cease if this dream were to come true. She begged all things on Earth to bring no harm to her son, but she forgot the mistletoe. Her enemy Hoder devised a scheme to use the plant to kill Balder.

The son did come back to life however, through his mother's efforts, and her tears were said to have transformed into the white berries of the mistletoe. She later proclaimed that all who pass under the plant would have no harm come to them, only a kiss, a token of love.

Coming Around Again1

2008-11-27T09:30:00.001-08:00

The First Date After Divorce: Laws to Live By
When you begin dating again, remember these basic rules of survival:
Meet at venues where you can have a conversation. Don't meet at a noisy place, or a place where you can't talk. The idea is to get to know the person. Try meeting at a cafe or museum. Don't rule out meeting for breakfast or lunch.
Dress appropriately. You want to look and feel your best on a date. Dress appropriately for the meeting location. If you're going bowling, for example, don't wear a dress.
Don't talk about your ex. Misery may love company, but try to avoid using your date as a therapist. The purpose of the first date is discovery. If you can't find anything else to talk about, you're not ready to date.
Be yourself and follow your intuition. Don't try to be someone you think your date wants you to be. If your date is not the right person for you, you'll know it. Don't continue to date someone who isn't right for you.
Smile. Smiling sends the message that you're a happy, friendly person. And research shows that even if you're unhappy, smiling can change your mood. The more you smile, the happier you will be. The happier you are, the more fun you will have on your dates!
Dating When You Have Children
Making the transition from parent mode to date mode can be a challenge. Just remember that many single parents have fulfilling social lives and you can, too. Here are some basic rules for dating when you have children:

Be honest. Don't hide the fact that you have children and be clear that it's a package deal, says Dr. Ellen Kreidman. But do not overdo it, especially on the first date. Keep your romantic life separate from your family life until you know you're ready to introduce your new love interest to your kids.
You don't need permission. Your children may have a hard time adapting at first, but you don't need their permission to date. Tell your children who you are going out with, but don't discuss the details with them when you return.
It's OK to recognize your own sexual needs. If you are involved in a sexual relationship, limit the encounters to times when your ex has the kids. Do not have sex in your house if the kids are there or could come home.
Introduce your children slowly. When you're ready to introduce your boyfriend or girlfriend to your children, do so slowly and on neutral ground. Tell them you would very much like them to meet the person you have been seeing. Select a short activity such as lunch at a restaurant.
You don't need to build a relationship with everyone you date. If the person's not right for any reason, it's OK. Move on until you find someone who feels right. Dr. Kreidman says when you care for your emotional self in this way, you also teach your children how to become healthy, happy adults.

Coming Around Again

2008-11-27T09:27:00.000-08:00

Statistics show that 75 percent of people who divorce remarry within five years. While that may be good news for many, it's not easy re-entering the dating arena. What's more, getting the relationship you want takes hard work, says Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D., author of Single No More: How and Where to Meet Your Perfect Mate (Renaissance Books, 2000).
Three Rules of Dating Re-Entry:
Before you begin to date, you need to take stock. While you don't have to be committed to finding the perfect person before you go on your first after-divorce date, you need to be clear about a few very important aspects of your life. Your re-entry to the dating process will go much more smoothly if you:

Know what you want. Are you looking to get out of the house, meet new people and experience new things? Or, are you looking for a new companion to share your life? Honesty with yourself will help you find what you want.
Make sure you're ready to move on. It's important to give yourself enough time to grieve your loss, even if you were the one who left. There's often a lot of guilt, shame, remorse and even anger associated with a failed relationship or marriage. Most experts advise you to work through these feelings before dating again. Remember, time heals all wounds.
Don't date for security or comfort. Many women feel they need to start dating right away, either as a way to forget their pain, or because of the sense of security it brings. These are bad patterns to establish. Dating is not therapy. You should date when you're ready to find someone to complement your life, not because you need someone to save you from it.

Meeting Mr./Ms. Right — or Mr./Ms. Right Now
It can be difficult to meet people if you're out of practice. Once you've determined that you're ready to date again, there are a number of ways to meet people. Some traditional ways include going to bars, meeting at the office, being "set up by friends, volunteering for an organization such as your church or a sports club, writing a personal ad, or joining an online dating service.

You also may want to take a class, go to a political rally, dine out more often, hang out at the video store, join a gym, or take a singles cruise. All are good ways to meet a potential date. The important thing is to be open-minded and willing to try new things. You also need to have some patience. Making changes in your life is not easy. Just remember to be yourself.

Office Romance1

2008-11-27T00:26:00.000-08:00

Don't Date the Boss
Not all office romances are created equal. According to Lisa Mainiero, author of Office Romance: Love, Power and Sex in the Workplace (Rawson Associates, 1989), the best office-dating scenario is when peers from different departments date. Her research shows that co-workers generally accept peer relationships within their departments. However, she adds that it's important to remember that, down the road, the two of you may be competing for promotions and raises. You also may have to worry about the boss's approval.

Fifty-five percent of employers and employees polled by Vault.com think it's unacceptable for a manager to date a subordinate. Even if a boss-subordinate relationship is not forbidden, think of the ramifications:

Your colleagues may turn on you. There's always a double standard at play. You may be a competent worker, but as soon as you start dating the boss, the perception will be that your relationship is fueling your career. This is especially true if you're receiving promotions or given a corner office or other perks that may appear to be the result of favoritism.
You could jeopardize your career. If you dump your boss, think how your career could be affected. Your boss could find endless ways to make your workday miserable, or even jeopardize your success in the company.
If you're still unsure about the "Don't date your boss" rule, Advice Sister Alison Blackman Dunham, co-author of Recruiting Love: Using Business Skills You Have to Find the Love You Want (Cyclone Books, 1998), says you need to determine if you'd be willing to leave your job if the situation became too uncomfortable after a breakup. On the other hand, says Lisa Mainiero, if you can't live without each other, get your reporting structure changed.

Five Ways to Mix Work and Romance

Date someone you already have a relationship with. Johnston says that you'll have some form of trust if you have a working relationship before you date. If you must date the cute guy in another department, take things slow until you determine whether you both have the emotional maturity to handle a workplace relationship.
Be honest. Powers says that when dating at work you need to have similar expectations about where the relationship is going and communicate them to one another from the start. If one party is looking at having a long-term relationship, and the other one is looking for a fling, that relationship will have problems.
Set boundaries. If you become involved with someone at work, discuss how you'll handle office situations. Will you tell anyone? Will you discuss personal matters at work or work matters on a date? It may seem unromantic, but it'll help keep your professional life and love life on track.
Maintain relationships outside of work. Enjoy activities away from the office. If your job goes sour or your relationship falls through, you'll be glad to have other support mechanisms and sources of satisfaction in your life.
Break up gently. Let's face it, most dating relationships end. Discuss how you will handle a breakup from the beginning, advises Powers. Show some consideration. It's easier if you're the one who initiates the breakup. And, if you're going to break up, do it on Friday, don't wait until Monday.

When Does It Make Sense to Mix Business With Pleasure?

Office Romance

2008-11-26T23:57:00.000-08:00

Maybe you're not the type to pursue online dating, but have you considered office romance? Romance at work can be tricky, and maybe you've looked at office romance advice before. You may want to give office romance another try — four out of every 10 people meet their spouse at the office through office romance.
A study by Vault.com shows that almost half of us have been romantically tied to someone at work and that workplace relationships often can be successful; roughly one-quarter result in long-term relationships and even marriage.

Dennis Powers, author of The Office Romance: Playing With Fire and Not Getting Burned (AMACOM, 1998), says it's time that businesses acknowledge that office romances are acceptable and normal. He predicts that many businesses will lighten up and establish guidelines that allow employees to manage workplace dalliances.

Yet, when it comes to office romance, most experts, particularly human resources managers and employment lawyers, believe that romantic liaisons in the workplace can be a lose-lose situation if you're not careful.

According to a poll conducted by the Society for Human Resource Management, 58 percent of executives view office romances as unprofessional; 38 percent believe they end in disaster; and many more believe that they wreak havoc on morale. And, let's not forget that office affairs have the potential to lead to sexual harassment lawsuits.

So, if you're going to mix business with pleasure, heed some advise from the experts.

Maintaining the Balance
Joni Johnston, Ph.D., CEO of WorkRelationships.com, says you need to be on your best behavior when you're involved with someone at work. Keep your relationship as professional as possible during the day. That means no public displays of affection. Nothing makes people more uncomfortable than seeing co-workers smooching.

If you find it difficult to keep your hands off your office amour, just remember how hard you've worked at your career. You don't want to jeopardize it. The time spent flirting or sending e-mail back and forth can affect your job. The Society for Human Resource Management advises employees to remain focused at work.

The Rules Girls, Sherrie Schneider and Ellen Fein, authors of The Rules For Online Dating: Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right in Cyberspace (Pocket Books. 2002), advise women to respond to only one out of every four non-business e-mails while in the office. You never know who may have access to your e-mail.

Breaking Up1

2008-11-26T23:46:00.000-08:00

Love and Sex After Kids

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Breaking Up-

2008-11-26T23:44:00.000-08:00

Love and Sex After Kids